Thursday, March 30, 2006


Sometimes I really wish I could go back and change the past... For instance, I'd love to travel back about three hours and undo all the mistakes I'm afraid I made on my accounting exam this afternoon. Or maybe go back to Wednesday morning and be a little more alert in nature writing, the class that truly gets me moving and excited. In fact, there are quite a lot of things I would change if I could have my perfect world, my perfect life.

I'm so exhausted right now that all I really want to do is go to bed. But I have to work all day tomorrow (grading exams--woo hoo), and I feel like I should do something relaxing and fun now while I have the chance. After all, this whole week has been about everything but what I want to do. But my husband went to bed already, and I'm sitting here barely able to force my eyes to stay open--why? Because I want so badly to do something enjoyable that I'm willing to make myself miserable, as I am unable to let go of the fact that I have worn myself into the ground this week and all I really can do is rest.

Right now I don't love my life very much. Joy sometimes escapes me, when I'm under a lot of pressure--I foget that God is there, my source of ever-renewable life and energy. And the times when I forget His all-encompassing presence are generally the times I need Him the most. So right now my spirit is dull, along with my mind, along with my body.

I'm going to bed. After grading 45 exams tomorrow, I plan to try as hard as I can to escape to the outdoors, lie in the grass or something equally warming. Maybe I won't be so dull again tomorrow. Maybe my joy will return in the night, and I'll remember to hang onto it in the morning.

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