Thursday, July 06, 2006

Life goes on

It's so weird that all of my friends from high school are getting married! One of my very closest school friends, with whom I unfortunately lost touch in college, contacted me today--with a new last name. Her life's goal was always to get married as soon as possible. I guess she has achieved it now. I wonder if people felt that way when I got married... I was pretty much the first person in my graduating class to tie the knot, and the first of my peers in college as well. Now, everyone's jumping on the bandwagon. I think it's great, and I hope every one of them has a marriage as blessed as mine is. But it's bittersweet--it's hard to comprehend how much life has changed for me, for all of us, since high school. That time of my life seems worlds ago, I am so different; and yet I think of my friends from high school as still being exactly the same now as they were before we lost touch. It's an odd feeling. I wonder if getting older and changing will ever seem normal to me, or if it will always be so surreal.

Speaking of being married, I was really missing my husband the other night. So as a way to release my feelings, I put together an ad hoc playlist on iTunes that encompasses a wide range of emotions that I often feel. People often think I'm not happy--but that's not true. I spend more time being happy, or content at least, than being sad or upset. But my happiness is not always giddiness, is not always manifest in laughter and big toothy grins. It often comes in a more mellow form, and is mixed with other emotions as well, such as relief or wonder or thoughtfulness. Does that make sense? Anyway, here's the list of songs on my playlist (which is playing right now)--but don't assume that I'm depressed. I'm not.

Ralph McTell, "Streets of London"
Queen, "'39"
The Beatles, "Fool On the Hill"
Enya, "May It Be"
Rufus Wainwright, "Hallelujah"
Sarah McLachlan, "Adia"
Simon & Garfunkel, "He Was My Brother"
The Pogues, "The Band Played Waltzing Matilda"
Rod Stewart, "Waltzing Matilda"
Queen, "Bohemian Rhapsody"
R.E.M., "Everybody Hurts"
Led Zeppelin, "Stairway to Heaven"
The Monkees, "Shades of Gray"
Annie Lennox, "Into the West"
Nobuo Uematsu, "Aerith's Theme"
Simon & Garfunkel, "The Boxer"
Bob Dylan, "Blowin' In the Wind"
Queen, "The Prophet's Song"
Billy Joel, "Piano Man"
The Beatles, "Let It Be"

Something about it makes me feel more complex... I guess it lets me feel sad sometimes, and hopeful sometimes, and just sentimental sometimes. That way I don't just feel lonely and sad, sitting here without Bob or anyone else, yet I don't feel like I'm artificially masking my sadness--I'm just expanding. Sounds like a strange way to deal with emotions, but it works for me. I'm sure it works for many people.

So though things are changing all over, and my situation is not always ideal, life goes on. And I know that everything is temporary. I know that nothing lasts forever--except God, and His love for me, and my relationship to Him. So sometimes I listen to my music, lay my head down and close my eyes, take deep breaths, and just imagine that He is here with me, or I am with Him, and all the heaviness is gone. All the complexity is gone. Nothing except love, and trust, and the ultimate contentment.

I have been Diet Coke free for almost a week now. In fact, perhaps make that caffeine free. I don't think it's a realistic goal for me, at least right now, to give up caffeine--I adore coffee. But I'm controlling it better, and my body is thanking me already. However, I wish I could say the same about my eating habits. They're usually pretty good, but I go through phases when I just crave all kinds of sweets. I don't eat tons of sweets, but when it's all I can think of I sometimes cave in a little too much. I caved in today, and I was kind of upset with myself so I just caved in even more. Now I wish none of that had to happen, but hey... one day of giving in is not going to ruin my healthy lifestyle forever. I really love eating healthy and working out, and I love it when my body asks me for healthy food and those little sugar-craving centers of my brain are completely drowned out. I feel so good about myself. Tomorrow, I will think of that--how good I feel when I eat healthy. And that will drive me.

It's too late to start writing poetry or anything like that, even though my creative longing is beginning to stir. Perhaps I will go to bed now and have splendid, colorful dreams. And when I get home tomorrow, Bob will be here!

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